Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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