like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
i've created a new STD.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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