hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
