We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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