I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
i think im in europe. pls send help
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
