I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
