She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Randomize
