My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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