you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
