My first STD was from a foam party
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
