How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
