i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
