yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
