your parents love me but you hate me
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
where are you?
Hypothermia
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
