just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
