The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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