We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
