Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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