I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
