my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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