I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize