My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
