I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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