I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
