I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
