I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
