I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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