I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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