Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
