Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
