True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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