Moan for me like Helen Keller
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
