If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
