I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
