hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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