when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
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