I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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