I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
