remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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