I think my fart just growled at me.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
