there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My vagina is officially offended.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
