she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize