The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
