I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
