I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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