can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
