The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
