i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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