Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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