Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
