In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
