I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he was CRYING into my vagina
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
