I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i wish my penis had a tongue
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
