Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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