You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
