I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
