It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
